I've been thinking a lot about Rilke's wisdom this week and trying to 'love the questions themselves' and hoping that I will 'some day far in the future live into [my] answer'.
I remember the very first time I saw Tommy. He was tan with long curly blond hair and he had the most beautiful shade of blue eyes I'd ever seen (lucky for me years later my three amazing children have been blessed with the same beautiful shade of blue).
When I met him, I'd just arrived in Hermosa Beach, CA. I was turning 21 the following day. My plan was to transfer from a Boston College to UCLA that next year. We dated for years and married in October, 1995.
This week Tommy moved out. It's been a long road to reach this decision. A year ago we agreed on a temporary separation for a three month period and I was so certain that things would come back together, that we just needed a break, that I barely even told anyone.
Partly because I value family so much it mattered to me to try every option possible. However, this separation feels more permanent because I sense a lightness in the house now that hasn't been there for awhile.
My heart is sad because dealing with a loss of any kind is hard. And, letting people know isn't easy and yet it's the right thing to do. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable and yet at some point we all do.
Relationships are complex. People change and grow in unexpected ways. Forgiveness and healing from past hurts take time and don't always happen the way we want them to. Love between two people isn't always enough to make things work even when we hope it will be.
And, I wonder now that we've decided to go our separate ways can we rediscover a friendship with one another something that's been missing for awhile now? Will we learn how to share in the joy of the most beautiful and amazing children despite the loss? For today all I can do is "love the questions themselves".
My Friends have always been such an important part of my life and they've offered such wonderful words of wisdom recently that I want to share them here in case they might feel helpful to you: "when one door closes another opens", "everything happens for a reason, right"?, "you can make the future look exactly like you want it to-a blank canvas so to speak" and my personal favorite from a close friend who said "you will be OK, because you are a beautiful person inside and out".
In the meantime, I decided to bake something because it always adds a bit of fun to an otherwise ordinary day. I made a Coconut Pound Cake that I topped with Chocoalte Ganache. The kids enjoyed it so much that it disappeared instantly.
In case you want to do some baking too the Coconut Pound Cake recipe is included in "Meet Me in My Cape Cod Kitchen" and as for the Ganache, it's easy to make. Ganache is a fancy way to say mixed chocolate with heavy cream and it's so good.
As for new beginnings, I filled a cake order this week for a girl who turned 21 and it reminded me of my younger self in CA all those years ago when I'd first met Tommy and how much possibility life holds for us all when we're still so young. And also, signing my youngest up for Spring Baseball so she has something new to try.
How to Make Ganache
3Tbsp. corn syrup
6 Oz. heavy cream
12 oz. dark chocolate, chopped into small pieces
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
In a small sauce pan add the corn syrup and the heavy cream, combine. Bring to a simmer and add the chocolate. Stir with a wire whisk until smooth. Remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla. Let cool slightly. Drizzle on the Coconut Pound Cake. Be careful, disappears quickly.